Thursday, May 6, 2010 - We looked at several houses together, all much... |
| We looked at several houses together, all much smaller than the one we lived in, some still out of her price rangeFinally, she settled on a three-bedroom, two-bath house on Scully Street, a one-block-long street in south Hot Springs about a half mile west of Central AvenueIt was one of the new, all-electric Gold Medallion houses with central heat and airwe had window-unit air conditioners back on Park Avenueand I think it cost $30,000The house had a nice living room and dining room just left of the front entranceBehind it was a large den that connected to the dining area and kitchen, with a laundry room off it just behind the garageBeyond the den was a good-sized porch we later glassed in and outfitted with a pool tableTwo of the bedrooms were to the right of the hall, to the left was a large bathroom, and, behind it, a bedroom with a separate bathroom with a showerMother gave me the big bedroom with the shower, I think because she wanted the big bathroom with its larger makeup area and mirrorShe took the next biggest bedroom in the back, and Roger got the small gucci laptop bags one
Though I loved our house on Park Avenue, the yard I worked hard to keep up, my neighbors and friends and familiar haunts, I was glad to be in a normal house and to feel safe, maybe more for Mother and Roger than for meBy then, even though I knew nothing of child psychology, I had begun to worry that Daddys drinking and abusive behavior would scar Roger even more than it would scar me, because hed lived with it all his life and because Roger Clinton was his natural fatherKnowing my father was someone else, someone I thought of as strong, trustworthy, and reliable, gave me more emotional security and the space necessary to see what was happening with some detachment, even sympathyI never stopped loving Roger Clinton, never stopped pulling for him to change, never stopped enjoying being with him when he was sober and engagedI was afraid even then that little Roger would come to hate his fatherAnd he did, at a terrible cost to himself
As I relate these events from long ago, I see how easy it is to fall into the trap Shakespeares Marc Antony spoke of in his gucci ladies watches eulogy for Julius Caesar: allowing the evil that men do to live after them, while the good is interred with their bonesLike most alcoholics and drug addicts Ive known, Roger Clinton was fundamentally a good personHe loved Mother and me and little RogerHe had helped Mother to see me when she was finishing school in New OrleansHe was generous to family and friendsHe was smart and funnyBut he had that combustible mix of fears, insecurities, and psychological vulnerabilities that destroys the promise of so many addicts livesAnd as far as I know, he never sought help from those who knew how to give it
The really disturbing thing about living with an alcoholic is that it isnt always badWeeks, sometimes even whole months, would pass while wed enjoy being a family, blessed with the quiet joys of an ordinary lifeIm grateful that I havent forgotten all those times, and when I do, Ive still got a few postcards and letters Daddy sent to me and some I sent to him to remind me
Some of the bad times tend to be forgotten, tooWhen I recently reread my deposition in Mothers chanel cambon large tote bag divorce filings, I saw that in it I recounted an incident three years earlier when I called her attorney to get the police to take Daddy away after a violent episodeI also said hed threatened to beat me the last time I stopped him from hitting her, which was laughable, because by that time I was bigger and stronger than he was sober, much less drunkId forgotten both instances, perhaps out of the denial experts say families of alcoholics engage in when they continue to live with themFor whatever reason, those particular memories remained blocked after forty years
Five days after we left, on April 14, 1962, Mother filed for divorceDivorce can happen quickly in Arkansas, and she certainly had groundsDaddy was desperate to get her, and us, backHe fell apart, lost a lot of weight, parked for hours near our house, even slept on our concrete front porch a couple of timesOne day he asked me to take a ride with himWe drove up behind our old house on Circle DriveHe stopped at the bottom of our back drivewayHe hadnt shaved in three or four days, though I dont think hed been chanel fashion drinkingHe told me he couldnt live without us, that he had nothing else to live forHe begged me to talk to Mother and ask her to take him backHe said he would straighten up and never hit her or scream at her againWhen he said it, he really believed it, but I didntHe never understood, or accepted, the cause of his problemHe never acknowledged that he was powerless in the face of liquor and that he couldnt quit all by himself
Meanwhile, his entreaties were beginning to get to MotherI think she was feeling a little uncertain about her ability to take care of us financiallyshe didnt make really good money until Medicaid and Medicare were enacted a couple of years laterEven more important was her old-school view that divorce, especially with kids in the house, was a bad thing, which it often is if theres no real abuseI think she also felt that their problems must be partly her faultAnd she probably did trigger his insecurities; after all, she was a good-looking, interesting woman who liked men and worked with a lot of attractive ones who were more successful than her cartier pasha husb |
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